Scrabble as Therapy

May I do something a little different, and throw out a question at the begin of a post? Will you consider pondering this with me today?

Where do you feel safe, secure and known? A place, a group, a person where you have a true sense of belonging?

To help clarify this question, let me quote Brene Brown (in her book Daring Greatly) re: the contrasting distinction between belonging and fitting in:

“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.” 

So with that in mind, let’s reconsider my question:

Where do you feel a true sense of belonging, of being known? A safe space, where being in their presence means you become more yourself, not change who you are for their acceptance?

Regarding this question of where I feel safe, secure and known: I have come to know communing with God, being in His presence, is THE source of safety and security – the only source that will never disappoint. He created us for His pleasure - because He wanted relationship with us – an intimate, daily connection between Creator God and His created. (That in itself is mind-blowing, right?!)

Moreover, God imbued us with a longing to connect with other people as well as with Himself. And we now have the neuroscience to confirm this essential need to connect from a biological aspect: We are literally brain-wired for relationship.

From the time we are born, we are looking for someone who is looking for us.

This is a quote from Dr. Curt Thompson, a  psychiatrist, neuroscientist and author whose perspective is found at the intersection of  interpersonal neurobiology & spiritual formation. He is passionate about the necessity of having a community where you are truly known in order to have mental (brain) health, as well as experiencing and creating beauty and goodness in this world where God has placed us. (Check out his podcast: Being Known.)

Scientist Matthew Lieberman, author of Social - Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, furthers a strong neuroscience case for meaningful interpersonal relationships as a basic survival need of humans:

Our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and water.

But the aha of Brene’s defining distinction between belonging and fitting in had to sink in, then play out in my relational world so I could consider where I was investing my connection collateral. This was huge for me as an Enneagram T3/One-on-one, because I am part of a personality segment who comes from the mistaken thinking of: If I perform enough, everyone will like me.

So my go-to had always been becoming who I  need to be in order to be accepted.

It was a realization that came with some shame, but thank God, I didn’t reject this important truth about my false self. And as I began applying the ‘fitting in or belonging’ test to different groups, my number of associations shrank, but my sense of belonging grew in the groups where all were likeminded about the requirement of belonging: to be who we truly are.

This is where I coo with gratitude over the years and years of my Scrabble Ladies group meeting monthly for some rousing rounds of tile mastery. Ok, so maybe the primary purpose for my faithful attendance wasn’t to have the most seven-letter words...

...but rather to be heard and seen by five other women who were facing or had faced much of which may be perplexing me. It was truly a form of therapy to gather and gab, support and exhort...Priceless.

And oh, the laughter...A merry heart works like medicine, right?! Even though half our group has moved out of Durango, we still get together over Zoom to stay caught up on each other’s lives, and try to plan yearly outings to meet-up for a few concentrated days of wordplay and chortling.

We have seen each other through the large and the small twists and turns of life – from bucket-list trips and dealing with aging, to getting through cancer and the loss of others in our lives. We have helped one another put pieces together in the puzzling points, and given each other supportive space when we can’t seem to find the point.

I can pull up a recent crisis in my life - the real scare of cancer – and recall how my first phone call was to one of my Scrabble sisters. Cindy had gone through two bouts with cancer at different stages of her life, and was now, once again. ‘free of it.’ I fired a dozen questions at her before she had finished saying ‘hello’! She went on the answer most of my queries and refered me to the medical professionals she believed would help me through the rest.

Cindy stayed closely in touch – with no reciprocal expectation – during each step of my journey with this awful, alleged diagnosis...all the way to celebrating with me when further testing revealed no cancer! I felt supported, valued and loved. And what precipitated those feelings were the years of monthly Scrabble gatherings where she and I, along with the other four women, got to know one another - building trust by being vulnerable with each other, month by month, game by game.

I feel blessed to have had a whole season with this special group of women; and it is not the only female group with which I have a decade+ history. It took me a bit to figure it out, but I eventually realized I didn’t have to be in the same room – or town – with another, or others, to develop rich relationship.

I am part of two different Peer Coaching cohorts where we employ our coaching skills – especially active listening - to give and receive encouragement and accountability in the various domains of our lives. We do gather in person when possible, but our ties that bind are stronger than the miles that separate us. And I have a few one-on-one relationships in which I have sent out an SOS and the other was able to jump right into my situation with support even if we hadn’t connected in months. So community can be you and one other kindred spirit or a group of people that span several seasons of life. The key is:

 It’s all in the knowing...

I need these communities to stay healthy, to keep moving towards wholeness, to keep fanning the flame of the passion(s) God has given me, to keep laughing at life.

I hope this read has stirred you – to gratitude for the safe communities/people in your life...or to action towards looking for kindred souls, mindful mentors, and gaming groups to remind you of how loved and valued you are, to experience true belonging, being known, and provide you opportunities to offer your gifts and strengths to them.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g

Empathy's Darker Side: Emotional Monitoring

I sense my title may be evoking various versions of curiosity: 

What is emotional monitoring? How could empathy ever be bad or dark?

I had those questions – and more - when I initially encountered this concept of emotional monitoring.

Isn’t monitoring others’ emotions part of caring for them, how they are feeling?How would I know if I am on the ‘darker side’? Are there steps towards mitigating this negative pattern?

I invite you to explore these questions with me as I share the results of my curiosity about this topic.

Have you ever seen someone who is always concerned and curious about others’ mood, well-being, emotional state, and stress level more than their own emotional state?

Well, you might be thinking, “Yes, I have seen great empaths in my life who are truly caring,” and you may think that people who do this do it out of empathy, but that’s not [always] the truth.  [From: mental health site, @ItisOK ]

Emotional Monitoring is a process in which a person is constantly, subconsciously, scanning others’ moods and emotional states. Subsequently they fixate on doing something to make them feel better, all the while, sacrificing their own emotional state.

Psychologist Naomi Torres-Mackie, from Psychology Today, sheds light on how this form of empathy can be self-destructive:

Empathy – the capacity to place oneself in another's position – is one of the most impactful human abilities. It allows for interpersonal connection, bonding, and a sense of belonging – the essential ingredients for strong mental health..

When someone’s ‘natural state’ is that of hyper-awareness of how the other is feeling, much of that own person’s inner experience is lost. Attunement to one’s own inner world is sacrificed in order to emotionally caretake others. In working with patients who engage in emotion monitoring, I have seen how this can wreak havoc on one’s sense of self, self-esteem, and general mood. When you are so focused on the emotional needs of others that you lose sight of your own, there is no one left to emotionally caretake you.

A couple of distinctions between the light and dark sides:

Empathy produces a sense of belonging and bonds people together. Emotional monitoring, on the other hand, results in anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and a sense of isolation.

The motive of empathizing with others is to notice their emotions in order to be supportive of them; whereas emotional monitoring is a desire to use others to self-soothe.

Ok, at this point of my exploring, I am pretty sure I have practiced this pattern fairly regularly.

So, how do I know if I am falling into this pattern? And what got this thing started in me?

It didn’t take long to assess the answers to these two questions.

Once I read that individuals who automatically track others' emotions often times honed this ability as a means to remain safe, I felt my childhood memories coming up...Lots of feeling unsafe, as well as unprotected.

I can remember the mental gymnastics I went through each day coming home from school, not being able to predict the level of tension in the atmosphere before I entered the house. I was always building out scenarios A through D of how to protect myself depending on who was home – or not home - and what level of chaos was ruling the room.

I thank God for the freedom to forgive and love that has come with the awareness, the naming, the accepting and the healing of my early story. And I have found the learning and healing continues as long as I remain receptive. Moreover, according to my research, it turns out that even if the unsafe situation has passed long ago these individuals may still practice emotion monitoring as a coping mechanism to deal with - or avoid - feeling unsafe.

A few signs of emotional monitoring:

·      You are severely affected by others’ negative moods

·      You get extremely anxious when you find that someone close to you is upset

·      You pay a lot of attention to others’ mood shifts

·      You replay previous interactions to ‘build the narrative' you caused the upset

·      You experience an inability to be present when interacting with others

[Find more signs at Well+Good]

Lastly, and most importantly, I desired to learn how to break this unhealthy cycle. I started by journaling as I began to intentionally notice when I was engaging in emotional monitoring. I wrote down questions as they came and opened myself up to wait on God for insights.

Was it all the time, with every person? Or only in certain situations and/or with particular people? Was it usually initiated by a trigger whose root was formed in my childhood experiences?

I found these steps from psychologist Dr.Lepera helpful as I endeavor to form new habits:

1. Become aware: begin noticing how often you are monitoring others’ emotions around you.

2. Begin introspection: this monitoring keeps you focused externally. Bring your awareness internal and begin paying attention to your own needs. Make a practice of self-reflection.

3. Practice emotional tolerance: when you notice someone’s irritable or in a bad/upset mood ask: “how can I support you?” If they don’t want or need support, just allow them to be in their mood. You are not responsible for others’ moods. And you will learn that emotions are fluid – not something to fix.

4. Don’t seek perfection: you will fall back into the habit; that’s ok. Just be aware and redirect your energy.

I have found the benefits of breaking this negative pattern to positively impact both sides of relationships.

For you:

You will find social interactions less draining, more life-giving

You can be more authentic with those who love you for who you are

Your self-esteem will increase, as your social anxiety decreases

For others in your life:

They feel less exhausted interacting with you

They get the authentic you

It builds their trust re: your motive for being interested their state of mind/emotions

“When we give the people around us space, and trust that they can cope with their emotions, we create intimacy and connection.”

Thank you for bringing your curiosity to this topic and allowing me to share my journey with you. I hope you have found this exploration interesting, and maybe even beneficial for your own journey.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g

The Secret to Developing Endurance: The #1 Skill to Finishing Any Race

A year ago, I shared a blog post (Recovery While Climbing) about the May tradition where I live in Durango, Colorado that brings cycling pros, as well as just biking enthusiasts, from all over the country and beyond: The Iron Horse Bicycle Classic. The origin of the bike verses train competition started with two brothers in 1971. The following year a group of 36 riders started the yearly weekend event, which has grown to a couple thousand cyclists competing in multiple events, who bring families and draw spectators, filling up our little town to overflowing into nearby towns!

Now in its 52nd year, Durango started swelling this past weekend with the cyclists who know they need some time to acclimate to altitudes between 7,000 ft to over 10,000 ft! [Note: links to more info on our 2024 IHBC can be found at bottom of post.]

So let’s get to my title, shall we? As I shared in my original post about the quest to finish my first Iron Horse, (the year I turned fifty and my first year living @ 7,000 ft!):

It is all about the training, which is all about developing endurance for a fifty-mile ride that includes 2 mountain passes above 10,000 feet!

I was committed to spin classes, customized for the cyclists who had registered for the IHBC, which usually start at various gyms in the late fall/early winter before the upcoming May event. The first instructor I had, Cindy, gave me several key phrases I have carried through the years since that have been very applicable to goal-reaching in various domains of my life.

The catch phrase that most resonated with me that I heard first from Cindy was when she was taking us on a climb in spin class, she would repeat this invaluable instruction:

To endure longer and/or steeper climbs, you must master recovery while climbing.

That means finding the pace that will allow you to slow your breathing and effort load for some recovery, while continuing – rather than stopping -  to meet the uphill challenge in which you find yourself.

Practicing that concept during my IHBC training, allowed me to not only finish the grueling ride, but continues to serve me in challenges, large and small, I’ve faced since then.

Being or becoming a consistent finisher requires the development of endurance. Afterall, what significant challenge have any of us faced that wasn’t more like a mountainous marathon than a sidewalk sprint?!

The Apostle Paul understood the perfect analogy of the endurance and persistence needed to run a race, whether it is a sporting event or our life mission on the course in which we each have a lane that is uniquely ours.

...let us run with patient endurance and steady active persistence the race that is set before us, [looking away from all that will distract us and] focusing our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith... Heb.12:1-2

Are you in an uphill climb right now in your race? Is your exhaustion, weariness   tempting you to just stop and maybe get off the track?

I recently had surgery (the reason I’ve been quiet for a bit re: Perils & Pearls blog), and these past four weeks since the procedure have definitely felt like an uphill climb, with the initial days feeling like I was going up a steep mountain pass!

I have needed to tap into this concept real time: Finding the pace, on even an hourly basis,  in which I can stay mentally on course with my larger purposes while also keeping my body in a place to steadily meet the immediate mission of recovery from surgery.

The blessing in the challenge for me: The surgery rendered my Type 3 giddy-up attitude null and void! It was immediately and repeatedly apparent to even my thickheadedness that I needed a lot of help – for every detail of basis daily living! My self-reliance waved the white flag in the first hour I was home from the hospital! After that surrender, it became easier, and less painful, to accept my state of need and receive the generous, thoughtful, loving care from my family, my people.

Hmm...It seems a repeatable theme in my faith journey that God uses difficult circumstances such as this surgery as governors on my gas pedal to manage my pace. (Yikes! Did I write that out loud?)

Meanwhile, I am endeavoring to see my forced rest as an opportunity to luxuriate in more reading time, reflection time, prayer and worship time than my schedule normally allows.

Hmm...I am reminded of what I have experienced to be true: Those practices are what fuels all my recoveries so I can stay on (my) course, and practice patient endurance and steady active persistence as I keep my eye on the prize: fulfilling His purpose(s) for me.

(A deep breath...back to resting now...)

I invite you to consider...

Can you put a name to the uphill climb you are in presently?

How might recovery while climbing play out for you in your current situation or season?

Is it instituting or reclaiming a few daily practices that cause your systems to slow and replenish without having to stop your forward movement?

Maybe being intentional about time spent regularly with a person or people with which you feel safe and known would facilitate your recovery while climbing?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! But, if you run into tech obstacles when trying to post a comment, please feel free to do as so many of you have done: Send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together! 

Blessed to play a part ~

g

Re: the 2024 IHBC in Durango: Related events will commence in the next couple of days, with the main events on Saturday and Sunday, May 25-26.

Click here for the IHBC website

Read more about the history of the IHBC here