May I do something a little different, and throw out a question at the begin of a post? Will you consider pondering this with me today?
Where do you feel safe, secure and known? A place, a group, a person where you have a true sense of belonging?
To help clarify this question, let me quote Brene Brown (in her book Daring Greatly) re: the contrasting distinction between belonging and fitting in:
“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing. In fact, fitting in is one of the greatest barriers to belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be in order to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”
So with that in mind, let’s reconsider my question:
Where do you feel a true sense of belonging, of being known? A safe space, where being in their presence means you become more yourself, not change who you are for their acceptance?
Regarding this question of where I feel safe, secure and known: I have come to know communing with God, being in His presence, is THE source of safety and security – the only source that will never disappoint. He created us for His pleasure - because He wanted relationship with us – an intimate, daily connection between Creator God and His created. (That in itself is mind-blowing, right?!)
Moreover, God imbued us with a longing to connect with other people as well as with Himself. And we now have the neuroscience to confirm this essential need to connect from a biological aspect: We are literally brain-wired for relationship.
From the time we are born, we are looking for someone who is looking for us.
This is a quote from Dr. Curt Thompson, a psychiatrist, neuroscientist and author whose perspective is found at the intersection of interpersonal neurobiology & spiritual formation. He is passionate about the necessity of having a community where you are truly known in order to have mental (brain) health, as well as experiencing and creating beauty and goodness in this world where God has placed us. (Check out his podcast: Being Known.)
Scientist Matthew Lieberman, author of Social - Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect, furthers a strong neuroscience case for meaningful interpersonal relationships as a basic survival need of humans:
Our need to connect is as fundamental as our need for food and water.
But the aha of Brene’s defining distinction between belonging and fitting in had to sink in, then play out in my relational world so I could consider where I was investing my connection collateral. This was huge for me as an Enneagram T3/One-on-one, because I am part of a personality segment who comes from the mistaken thinking of: If I perform enough, everyone will like me.
So my go-to had always been becoming who I need to be in order to be accepted.
It was a realization that came with some shame, but thank God, I didn’t reject this important truth about my false self. And as I began applying the ‘fitting in or belonging’ test to different groups, my number of associations shrank, but my sense of belonging grew in the groups where all were likeminded about the requirement of belonging: to be who we truly are.
This is where I coo with gratitude over the years and years of my Scrabble Ladies group meeting monthly for some rousing rounds of tile mastery. Ok, so maybe the primary purpose for my faithful attendance wasn’t to have the most seven-letter words...
...but rather to be heard and seen by five other women who were facing or had faced much of which may be perplexing me. It was truly a form of therapy to gather and gab, support and exhort...Priceless.
And oh, the laughter...A merry heart works like medicine, right?! Even though half our group has moved out of Durango, we still get together over Zoom to stay caught up on each other’s lives, and try to plan yearly outings to meet-up for a few concentrated days of wordplay and chortling.
We have seen each other through the large and the small twists and turns of life – from bucket-list trips and dealing with aging, to getting through cancer and the loss of others in our lives. We have helped one another put pieces together in the puzzling points, and given each other supportive space when we can’t seem to find the point.
I can pull up a recent crisis in my life - the real scare of cancer – and recall how my first phone call was to one of my Scrabble sisters. Cindy had gone through two bouts with cancer at different stages of her life, and was now, once again. ‘free of it.’ I fired a dozen questions at her before she had finished saying ‘hello’! She went on the answer most of my queries and refered me to the medical professionals she believed would help me through the rest.
Cindy stayed closely in touch – with no reciprocal expectation – during each step of my journey with this awful, alleged diagnosis...all the way to celebrating with me when further testing revealed no cancer! I felt supported, valued and loved. And what precipitated those feelings were the years of monthly Scrabble gatherings where she and I, along with the other four women, got to know one another - building trust by being vulnerable with each other, month by month, game by game.
I feel blessed to have had a whole season with this special group of women; and it is not the only female group with which I have a decade+ history. It took me a bit to figure it out, but I eventually realized I didn’t have to be in the same room – or town – with another, or others, to develop rich relationship.
I am part of two different Peer Coaching cohorts where we employ our coaching skills – especially active listening - to give and receive encouragement and accountability in the various domains of our lives. We do gather in person when possible, but our ties that bind are stronger than the miles that separate us. And I have a few one-on-one relationships in which I have sent out an SOS and the other was able to jump right into my situation with support even if we hadn’t connected in months. So community can be you and one other kindred spirit or a group of people that span several seasons of life. The key is:
I need these communities to stay healthy, to keep moving towards wholeness, to keep fanning the flame of the passion(s) God has given me, to keep laughing at life.
I hope this read has stirred you – to gratitude for the safe communities/people in your life...or to action towards looking for kindred souls, mindful mentors, and gaming groups to remind you of how loved and valued you are, to experience true belonging, being known, and provide you opportunities to offer your gifts and strengths to them.
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Blessed to play a part ~
g
This post touches me, challenges me and stirs me. Thank you for sharing.
Ri
Geri, I am fascinated with the concept of Fitting in vs. Belonging.
The blog had me reflecting on my relationships with my family members, my career in corporate, my interaction with the public when I had a retail store, the years as a volunteer, as a member of the neighborhood and my church.
As the years have passed, I rarely seek approval from others but the value of belonging has become paramount. When one is on the tarmac, time is precious, belonging is gratifying. Trite but true . . . authenticity and love are cherished . . . to be myself and experience from others.
Nothing compares to sharing time with my tribe, my people.
I learn from one and…
Ironically,, earlier this week, before I had the chance to read this post, I edited the chapter in my book where I describe my first encounter with our Scrabble group. I had only lived in Durang a few weeks at the time and knew no one but a few of my fiancée’s friends. Fortunately, one of them was Karren who invited me to play Scrabble.
As I write in the book, in the course of an afternoon, I made 5 “feel free to call me at 3 AM girlfriends” who have enriched my life in untold ways for 16 years now. I am beyond grateful that you, dear Geri, are one of them.