The Gift That No One Returns

Being in the last half of January, most of you are probably through the irritating return process from Christmas gift-giving. The process can be so painful that you decide to keep the thing you’ll never wear or use, right?! And how about when we are the ones who gave the gift that is being returned? Ugh...it can feel like a failure.

So, is there a gift we can give – for any occasion - that we can be sure won’t be returned? I believe so: The gift of truly listening to another. I have a hilarious memory to share that illustrates how impactful good listening can be.

I’ll never forget it...My husband Ron and I were hosting my parents’ 50th Wedding Anniversary celebration in our home. It was a perfect June day in Ohio. The house was full of chatter and laughter with my parents at the center of it all. Mom seemed to be in her glory as she took in all the compliments and stories being shared with her by those who had been witnesses of some part of Faye and Jerry’s 50 years together.

We did the food ourselves – no caterer, which meant someone had to man the grill to keep the meat platters full of chicken and burgers. Ron volunteered, partly so he could keep his introverted self from being overwhelmed by the amount and volume of the conversations taking place all around him.

As it would happen, a quirky friend of ours, (I’ll call him Mitch), discovered Ron’s hiding place at the grill station, and joined him there. I had taken no notice of this movement until I was looking for Ron’s whereabouts and found him nodding his head while he flipped burgers. Mitch’s occupation of Ron’s attention lasted a full 90 minutes – which I didn’t learn until much later that evening while Ron and I were simultaneously cleaning up and debriefing about the event.

That’s when Ron told me Mitch stayed by his side for an hour and a half straight, talking away about everything and nothing, with Ron’s only input being an ‘uh-huh’ or a nodding of his head. I laughed and said,

“Here I thought you must have given him some much-needed advice or solved a perplexing problem he had, because of the comment he made to me when he finally came back inside.” 

And here’s the line that became an instant classic in our family: Mitch said to me after his time with Ron: 

“Geri, do you know that your husband is the wisest man I know?!”

When I told Ron that was Mitch’s comment, he belly-laughed while telling me he hadn’t said one word of response or advice to any of Mitch’s diatribe - only an occasional grunt or nod. We both laughed till we cried. How ironic Mitch’s compliment of wisdom when Ron hadn’t said a word. Hmm...

To ‘listen’ another’s soul into a condition of disclosure and discovery may be almost the greatest service that any human being ever performs for another. Douglas Steere

During both my Life Coach training almost 20 years ago and the certification process for becoming an Enneagram Practitioner, I received great information on what good, effective listening is. And I did some reading and refreshing on the art of listening before embarking on this post. But the bottom line is this: I have to be motivated to improve what is not inborn for any of us - that is, good listening skills.

Researchers have concluded that the more motivated a listener is, the more active and alert he/she becomes as a receiver. You will not improve your listening skills until you resolve to do so and apply motivation to the practicing of such.

And may I add, that for me as a Enneagram Type 3, it is especially challenging to train myself to not be a hurried listener. Here’s a bullet-point on how Type 3’s communicate:

Direct, topic-focused, fast-paced, and confident. Others may perceive me as impatient, unfeeling, overly efficient, and overriding of other's views.

Oh boy, see what I mean? But I will not faint from applying myself to this goal! My work with clients requires that I am intentional in my posture to put aside my own thoughts and agendas and really be present and hear what they are saying – and not saying. The bigger challenge is with those I love. And although I won’t use it as an excuse, our ‘ever-screen’ culture doesn’t help with our continuous partial attention syndrome.

Here are a few jewels I’ve picked up to practice in this area of effective listening:

·      Listening is not the same as hearing. When we hear, we only perceive sounds; but when we listen, this hearing is accompanied by a deliberate and purposeful act of the mind. To listen means to get meaning from what is heard. One may hear the words uttered by another person without really understanding them.

·      A specific type of listening, active listening requires the listener to totally concentrate, understand and respond to what is being said instead of just passive hearing.  Active listening entails listening with all senses. It also involves providing full attention to the one speaking.

·      Your attention can be demonstrated in nonverbal ways, such as eye contact, posture (perhaps leaning forward), being comfortable during pauses/silences, being focused/tuning out all distractions.

·      Verbal ways to affirm you are actively listening: without interrupting, reflect back to the speaker what you hear her/him saying, ask questions that reveal you are taking in & understand her intended message, and perhaps asking her to say more about something you sensed her feeling more about.

My desire for overcoming my roadblocks to being an empathetic, active listener can be found in this quote:

If someone knows another person is really listening, the conversation changes. The speaker doesn’t need to desperately guard her or his opinion. The speaker has no need to line up convincing counter arguments. The conversation has room for reflection and deeper understanding.  Rev. Catherine Tran

I invite you to consider...

Can you think of someone in your life who demonstrates the traits of an empathetic, active listener? How have their listening skills affected your comfortability in sharing vulnerably with them?

Is there a aspect of listening to which you desire to put intentionality? How/where/with whom might you practice that in your daily life?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

Hope Rising - Who Couldn't Use Some?

Mmm...I love this photo I took several years ago while camping in one of our favorite Thanksgiving spots: McDowell Mountain Park outside of Scottsdale, AZ. I love the composition, the light at sunrise that morning, and the symbolism contained in it for me. 

Well, this past Thanksgiving we were experiencing the furthest thing from camping.

On November 9th I received a life-shaking test report that hurdled me down the dark hole of having to imagine your life being shortened.  The test report said, “suspicious for” two types of breast cancer. As I read and reread that conclusion, my eyes glazed over. And of course, running over to Google to research all the medical terminology in the report did not reduce my panic (Having trouble breathing...)

And so that fateful day began a month of the kind of terror that seems to come with the possibility of a cancer diagnosis. We felt an urgency to make a decision on where I would go for further testing and possible treatment. Where we live is similar to other small mountain towns re: limited medical specialists, along with the new norm of staff shortages. I leaned on a couple of women friends who have been down this road and have gotten to the other side, for advice on best next steps. (Beacons of HOPE for me.)

We landed on MD Anderson in Houston – one of the top medical centers in the country for breast cancer, and close to our daughter’s home north of the city. But, as a new patient the next available appointment was three weeks away, inside the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thank God for that merciful provision of location. I know of no one who personifies the loving, tangible, personal care of our God more than our daughter, Heidi. It is her super-power, hands-down. And we were to be recipients of her gifting starting with her response to our call sharing the shocking news of the report: (A break in my hyperventilating...)

“We’ve just got to get you here...Can you leave the day after tomorrow?”

By the time we landed in Houston, on Thanksgiving day, Heidi (along with her husband Brad) had arranged all the logistics we would be needing in the coming weeks, including a rental car, and an apartment - both near her home but also approximate to pleasant distractions that were right up our alley. We saw her love and knowing of us in every customized detail.

This was the first of many ways God used people to advertise His presence and love right in front of our eyes – and yet it was still difficult not to see Him as letting us be crushed.

During this excruciating limbo - from suspicious finding to roleplaying the end of our life as we know it - my husband and I would sometimes confess to one another the new go-to thought pattern of:

Will this be the last time _____?

And to think I had always seen myself as, and found people coming to me for having an optimistic, HOPEful view of life.

This trial would quickly land on the list of battles that have brought me to the humbling truth that I cannot manufacture or sustain HOPE on my own.

Lent During Advent...Remember Jesus’ prayer to His heavenly Father in the Garden of Gethsemane?

My Father! if it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not mine.  [Matt 26:39]

I have dear friends who have had to drink from such a cup - the suffering of breast cancer – with various twists and turns, and outcomes. (In fact, adding to my risk factors, I had three aunts die of breast cancer.) But when it was me in the dark garden, I realized the chasm between being the friend or coach coming alongside, and being the one pleading and resolving and surrendering, only to go back to pleading...

Ok... (Trying to take deep complete breaths), How about I try to use what I’ve learned as an Enneagram Practitioner? I know that the Divine Gift of (my) Type 3 is HOPE. Hmm...So, I thought:

How can I reach down inside of who God made me to be and grab some of that HOPE for myself in this desperate moment?

For my literal sanity, each day of waiting, I recited one of my go-to scripture verses, about HOPE. (The feeling of space happening in my chest.)

May You the God of HOPE fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in You, that I may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit. [Romans 15:13 – personalized]

If you have followed my blog or been on my website you know how important music is in my journey. So unsurprisingly, God would use song lyrics as another way to remind me He is with me. The Song is Fear is Not My Future (by Brandon Lake and Chandler Moore). I’ll share a few of the lyrics, but please, be blessed by downloading the song and taking in all the messages embedded in the lyrics. (Note: Check out my P&P Music Page for a sampling of the song.)

Fear is not my future, You are. Sickness is not my story, You are, You are. Heartbreak's not my home, You are, You are. Death is not the end, You are, You are...

Hello peace, hello joy, hello love - it's a new day! Hello strength, hello hope -it's a new horizon - the sun is coming up! Hello peace, hello joy, hello love. Hello strength, hello hope - it's a new horizon...Fear is not my future...

(Singing this affirmation of my beliefs brought tears of HOPE along with deep exhales.)

Let me finish where I started...Back to that photo at the top... Believe it or not, three years after I took that shot at the same campground during that same Thanksgiving week, I took another photo of a sunrise – this time, about an hour later, so you can see more of the sun behind that very same saguaro!

Mmm... the creative ways God reminds us of His very real presence – and that His love is the same for us, no matter the day, the year, the trial or triumph. And He has a limitless list of ways to rescue us – not just an option A or B.

When I reflect on God’s endlessly creative ways to show up, I think of it as He owns the whole alphabet! This is HOPE to me.

In both photos, I can’t help seeing a cross in that giant cactus. And I can’t not see HOPE in that rising sun (Son).

As it turned out for me – this time, anyway - the initial report was disproved – no cancer, all benign.  I have steps yet to take; but I am so grateful for an outcome that allows me to continue to “praise Him in the land of the living!” [Psalm 27 & 42]

My commitment to offering who He created me to be – an E. Type 3 Encourager Coach – has only been strengthened through my recent trial. I pray I will get many more opportunities to share His HOPE from my journey with you in yours.

A few of the learnings I desire to take forward in my journey:

H - Help from a circle of trusted friends. Stop pretending to be an island, trying to do it on my own.

O – Opening up to more possible options past A or B. Reflecting on the various ways I have received HOPE, provisions, rescue in the past. (He owns the whole alphabet!)

P – Power in passing on: Don’t underestimate the power in sharing my story & where/how I experienced HOPE during my ordeal. It will spread HOPE to the listeners. (Some may even respond with “Thank you for sharing”!)

E – Endless gratitude for every moment, day, given. To commit to living each day in a fresh awareness of how limited our days may be.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

It's Our #1 Desire - and Fear

"We grow up wanting to be known but terrified that we will be." *

That statement says it all: Our #1 desire – and fear – is being known. Neuropsychiatrist and author, Dr. Curt Thompson, puts it this way:

"We all come into this world looking for someone who is looking for us"

And yet, we can spend our entire lives wearing fig leaves, hiding our vulnerabilities, because of the deep fear that if someone were to really know us, they would not want to know us at all.

This fear, in turn, can cause us to avoid what is essential for being known: safe people - one or many others who will stay with us even as they get to know all of our story.

Curt Thompson has a podcast called Being Known, where he reveals his passion for the intersection of interpersonal neurobiology and spiritual formation. I love how he moves seamlessly between neuroscience and the biblical narrative. He toggles between both topics when he shares how vital safe communities are for our healing as well as our development.

One of the first things he establishes is the four basic needs of all humans: To be seen, soothed, safe, and secure.

There it is again: this concept of being seen, which is part of being known. We are born with this need. And yet, none of us came from perfect FOO’s (Family of Origin), which means we don’t necessarily come through childhood and adolescence, and into adulthood, with these four basic need buckets filled.

What I have experienced is that God is faithful to meet these needs, even if He has to use someone other than the expected providers.

In my life, I had an aunt – one of my mother’s younger sisters – who saw me in my early years.This is before she had her own children to nurture. She called me Yog (and still does)- short for Yogi Bear (I guess I must have been enamored with the bear!).

She would come to our house and find me in the chaos and say, “Hey Yog, you wanna go buzzin’ with me?”

That meant she was taking me out on the town, even if just for running errands, in her cool sportscar. We would visit her stylish friends, who knew how special I must be to be included in such rendezvous.

Aunt Rosie made me feel seen, soothed, safe, secure.

The next time I remember experiencing the indescribable feeling of being safe and seen was when my future husband entered my world. I was a sophomore in high school. He was a well-liked jock in his junior year. And now, fifty years after our entrée into one another’s world, he still reflects what shocked me back then about him:

He loves me for who I am, not what I can do (for him).

If you are familiar with the Enneagram, you can imagine how mind-blowing that felt to this budding Type 3 who had already internalized the lie that to be loved I had to perform!

I am deeply grateful God picked a life partner for me who would consistently remind me that God loves me for who I am, not what I can do (for Him).

I am sharing this for a few reasons:

• To honor those who fill roles in our lives that contribute toward forming secure attachment in our formative years. Thank you, Aunt Rosie!

• To remind you and me that God is faithful to meet all our needs – His way, His timing.

• To suggest that we all dare to not be afraid of being afraid, and look for a safe place of community where we can risk vulnerability and gain the gift of being known.

I’d like to sum up this thought about being known - how needed yet scary it is - by sharing this poem, written by my sister Michelle; given to me on our 25th Wedding Anniversary.

It’s All in the Knowing

Vows are exchanged, true Love is found

But the seed of this Love lay atop of the ground

The tilling, the softening, the breaking must be

For the Life of the Love is found in the seed

Enduring the seasons of storms in the night

New mercies awaken the dawn with His light

Kindling the flames, preserving the core

This seed has a chance to become so much more

But the soil of the heart needs loosening still

Removing the rocks, releasing the will

Preparing the ground to fully receive

The fullness of Love that dies with the seed

Hidden in darkness, a change taking place

Nourished with patience, forgiveness, and grace

Now a Love that is rooted, grounded, and sure

Regards with affection the cost to endure

The wilderness droughts, through the winds and the rains

The planting preserved, and the beauty remains

This vine and branch so intertwined

One exulting the other, by His design

Where can the secret to this Love be found?

Just look at the roots from the seeds in the ground

Deeper and deeper, these roots keep on growing

For the Life of the seed is all in the knowing.

To hear more from Dr. Curt Thompson:

His books: Anatomy of the Soul, The Soul of Shame, The Soul of Desire, The Deepest Place: Suffering and the Formation of Hope.

His Podcast: Being Known

[*The author of the opening statement is unknown, but I encountered it through a post by a LinkedIn connection. Thanks for the inspiration, Andy!]

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g