Blog | Perils And Pearls

Welcome to my blog: Perils and Pearls

My heart's desire in this endeavor is to offer support and encouragement to the hearts' of women. That you would feel accompanied - not alone - as we travel together and find the jewels in our sometimes perilous journeys.

Part 4: Escaping the Happiness Trap—Shifting Thought Patterns

Nov 11, 2025
5 min read

You can change your relationship w/ thoughts

This is Part 4 of a series on thought loops that can be formed from fear, worry and anxiety - how we can get trapped in them and how to break free from them. (If you want to read the first three in this blog series go here.)

In the previous post (Part 3), I covered the distinctions between the three distress emotions - fear, worry, and anxiety - how each contributes to a fear loop. I also defined ‘feedback loops’ and differentiated ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ feedback loops. I finished with an invitation to consider which distress emotion shows up most often in your story, and how it may keep you stuck in a loop.

Now I’m excited to share a valuable resource that was a gamechanger in my personal quest to transform how I relate to the thoughts that are at the core of these distress loops. Read on...

The Happiness Trap Impact: Recognize the Loop for What It Is

Many years ago a therapist introduced me to a life-changing book: The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.The book is about learning how to accept pain as a part of life and deal with it productively. The author advocates ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, for remaking your perspective on and response to painful feelings and thoughts.

I experienced numerous epiphanies over the course of multiple readings of the book, including a more rational way to look at thoughts: as mental activity not facts, accepting difficult thoughts rather than fighting them, and being more committed to aligning my life with my personal values and what that might look like in practice.

A couple of key insights I gained from the book, and have since intentionally focused on:

Psychological flexibility: the ability to stay present and take value-based action even in the face of emotional pain.

Another valuable, yet seemingly simple realization was:

Avoidance of negative thoughts or feelings often makes suffering worse.

Thoughts are like cars, circling in your mind

But what proved to be the most impactful and applicable takeaway for me was Harris’s metaphor:

Cars endlessly circling — a vivid image that captured the cognitive shift I desired.

In this metaphor, the cars represent our thoughts, and we are hard-wired for more negative thoughts, (referred to as a negativity bias), out of the vigilance necessary to detect any possible threat to our survival. Hence, we are naturally inclined to produce self-protective, even suspicious, thoughts.

But just because a thought keeps circling in my head, does not mean it is or becomes reality or fact. The key is accepting that there will always be negative or foreboding thoughts circling; but I have a choice to ‘not get in the car’, to let it drive on by. In other words, I cannot stop the traffic, but I can choose not to get in the vehicles that lead to distress. Let unhelpful thoughts pass without climbing in.

Because of the simplicity of this visual of circling cars, I have found it a reliable go-to when I am in the moment of realizing my nervous system is being hijacked (or carjacked) by some thought that is trying to assert itself as a fact. It is really one kind of loop keeping me out of another kind of loop!

As the neurobiology adage goes: practice makes permanent. By consistently applying this insight, I have gained something lasting: the recognition that thoughts are mental activity, not facts.

I may not be able to stop negative thoughts from forming, but I can strip them of their power by changing how I relate to them. This has become a reliable tool in my ongoing effort to step out of – or stay out of - the fear feedback loop.

I hope you have been stirred to consider adopting the transformative truth that thoughts are not facts. And perhaps, like me, the simple image of circling cars will stick with you and prompt the choice we all have to not get in the cars that represent the unhelpful thoughts that can lead to being trapped in disabling fear loops.

Remember: Thoughts may keep circling, but you don’t have to get in every car that passes by. With practice, you can develop your ability to stay present and take value-based action (psychological flexibility) - even in moments of emotional pain - and choose to which thoughts you give your attention and energy; rather than feeling powerless to avoid the mental trap of the distress emotions that life's challenges can bring.

Coming up next: The last in this series, where I will share an important resource for taking what we have learned together about our distress emotions and turning it into action. Specifically, I will share: 12 Practical Strategies to Shift Fear-Based Patterns. These very doable techniques will load your toolbox for changing your relationship with thoughts; and in turn, empowering you to escape or avoid debilitating fear loops.

Meanwhile...For reflection:

Picture the cars circling in your mind...What thought keeps circling in your head — and how would it change your day if you let it drive by instead of climbing in?

Invitation to journal:

List three thoughts that circle most often. For each, write down what would happen if you simply observed it rather than acted on it.

**My offer of support: If you contact me via ‘chat w/ me’ on Perils & Pearls, I will gift you a thirty-minute coaching session to talk about how you might develop your resilience through the struggle(s) you are currently facing.

**And if you have been stirred to further explore your unique wiring – strengths, passions, challenges - & you would like to experience a strength assessment with a certified life coach, I invite you to contact me.

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Blessed to play a part ~

Part 3: Fear, Worry, Anxiety and Stress—Untangling the Distress Web

Oct 23, 2025
5 min read

This spooky web can be sticky to get out of!

I have been sharing my exploration into fear - its webs and loops, and generally speaking, its power to throw our emotions into dysregulation and our body systems out of the homeostasis for which we were made. My first two posts on the topic can be found here, if you would like to read them.

I used the personal story of our family handling the acute crisis of my husband resigning suddenly, to introduce the idea of fear loops as well as describe what goes on in our nervous systems in response to an acute threat. Then we covered the concept of homeostasis: a point of stability or balance that our nervous systems are designed to find and sustain or return to. I shared the steps the nervous system (parasympathetic, specifically), goes through to calm us down, and a few tools to help restore equilibrium.

Let’s do a deeper dive now, into fear loops - and specifically, fear feedback loops- that can become like a sticky web that ensnares both our thoughts and bodies.

How Can a Negative Feedback Loop Be Positive?

I have mentioned feedback loops, but have not yet defined the term. Early in my fear research, I sought out a clear and applicable definition, and actually found it outside the field of neurobiology. A highly regarded source that articulates the concept of feedback loops, including both the positive and negative types, in the context of systems and biology is the landmark book: Business Dynamics: Systems Thinking and Modeling for a Complex World by MIT Standish Professor of Management and Director of the System Dynamics Group, John D. Sterman. According to Sterman:

A feedback loop is a system where the output of a process is fed back into the system as input, either to regulate (stabilize or maintain balance) or to amplify the effects of the process.

As examples, feedback loops are common in biology, such as when describing body temperature regulation, and in psychology, when explaining how anxiety can feed more anxious thoughts.

There are two types of feedback loops, negative and positive. But the use of the words, negative and positive, can be misleading here. A negative feedback loop does not mean it is necessarily unhealthy or undesirable. Labeling it negative refers to the effect (or output) of counteracting the original input. Such is true in the example of stabilizing body temperature: In thermoregulation, the negative loop works to reverse the change and maintain homeostasis by keeping body temperature within a narrow, healthy range.

Whereas a positive feedback loop refers to the output of amplifying or increasing the original input, but it does not always mean the result is healthy or desirable. Referring to the psychology example, where anxiety feeds more anxious (unhealthy) thoughts, using the term positive feedback loop describes the amplification of the original input.

A simple way I have found to remember the difference is this:

A negative feedback loop is self-correcting or counteracting, while a positive feedback loop is self-reinforcing or amplifying.

Applying these definitions to my own system’s response to our family’s difficulty, I realized I had been pulled into a positive feedback loop upon hearing my husband’s news (I quit my job!):

My unregulated distress response was producing anxious and catastrophic thinking, that then led to more anxiety. I needed to get in touch with the elements of this destructive and unsustainable loop to steady my system so I could support my children’s and husband’s internal response systems returning to stable.

Distinguishing the Elements of the Loop

In this discussion of feedback loops, fear, worry and anxiety each play a role in creating and sustaining a disruptive fear cycle. And all three emotions produce a stress response.

In our everyday lives, we tend to use the emotion words, fear, worry, anxiety and stress, interchangeably when describing someone’s emotional state; but are they synonyms? In fact, although related, these distress responses are distinct in origin and expression.

Consider how each emotion contributes to the creation of this fear loop: Initial fear is an immediate stress response to a possible threat, whereas worry creates a more prolonged stress response in which the threat does not have to be immediate, just possible. If the worry continues it becomes chronic, keeping the body in a state of stress, even without an active threat. Over time this can produce the state of anxiety that can result in burnout and/or health problems.

This creates a feedback loop:

The resulting anxiety, from the unregulated fear and worry, heightens the perception of threat - even benign or imagined ones – then more fear is triggered...and the stress response is continually activated.

Here is a chart that summarizes these feedback loop components, their roles and natures:

The bottom line is fear triggers acute stress. Repeated negative thinking prolongs activation, manifesting in worry and anxiety. Over time, this leads to chronic stress, which throws off our neural circuits and hormonal systems, making us more reactive to fear and less able to regulate worry and facilitate homeostasis in our total brain-body system.

Reflecting on my family experience now, I can identify moments when I was caught in each of those phases of a fear feedback loop. Thankfully, necessity propelled me learn more about how to recognize when the fear switch is being tripped and gain the awareness and tools needed to disrupt the formation of the unhealthy loop.

Now that we can see how fear, worry, and anxiety - all producing a stress response - create unhealthy and unhelpful loops, we can turn our attention to:

How can we change the way we relate to these inevitable distress emotions? The key? How you handle your thoughts.

In my next post, I will share a valuable resource that was a gamechanger in my quest to transform how I relate to the thoughts that are a part of these distress loops. Stay tuned...

Meanwhile, to ponder...

Which distress emotion -fear, worry, anxiety (all of which produce stress responses)- shows up most often in your story, and how does it keep you stuck in a loop?

To consider...

Journaling Prompt: Identify a recent situation where you experienced fear, worry, stress, or anxiety. Which one was at the root, and how did it spiral into the others?

Blessed to play a part ~

Part 2:Restoring Balance—How Our Bodies Seek Homeostasis

Oct 10, 2025
4 min read

In my last post, I started a series on the topic of fear loops: How life brings situations that can set us up for getting sucked into - and stuck in - unhealthy and/or unhelpful cycles of fear-based emotions. I shared a personal story from our family history to illustrate what goes on internally in our brain and nervous system while we are in a real-life situation externally. [Go here if you would like to read the last post.]

Now we are going to take a look at how our bodies were designed to restore balance when a triggering event has pulled on the nervous system emergency cord and we find ourselves in a negative loop, experiencing the absence of peace and the opposite of calm.

When our brain-body system evaluates something as neurologically threatening, we need the intervention of awareness, tools, and support to return to a stable state.

Homeostasis refers to the body’s natural ability to maintain or restore internal balance, even when external conditions shift.

Various systems work together to keep essential conditions like temperature, blood sugar, and hydration within a narrow range, ensuring optimal function and survival.

Our neurophysiological interface is built to restore that equilibrium. But to do so, it requires a perceived reduction in threat and the presence of some form of safety. This sense of safety can be facilitated by many different modalities - such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or connection with others, to name a few.

If the body begins to detect increased safety, the parasympathetic nervous system (the "rest and digest" response that helps your body rest, recover, and conserve energy—the opposite of the “fight or flight” sympathetic system.) is able to restore calm and rebalance internal systems. Meanwhile, the prefrontal cortex, (the part of the brain responsible for thinking, decision-making, planning, and self-control), will re-engage, enabling us to think more clearly and access more positive, rational self-talk.

Back to my family story of when the husband and father (from Part 1 of this blog series), came home mid-afternoon to tell us he had resigned...

Upon hearing my husband’s shocking news, I had been pulled into a fear loop: my unregulated distress response was producing anxious and catastrophic thinking, that then led to more anxiety. I needed to get in touch with the elements of this destructive and unsustainable loop to steady my system so I could support my children’s and husband’s internal response systems returning to stable.

If I was to experience any peace in the aftermath of Jim’s life-altering decision, I needed to start regulating my emotions and challenging the onset of the fear feedback loop that had taken hold.

Only then could I hope to shift to more grounded, reality-based thoughts like:"He has successfully landed jobs before," or "My background has me trained for this! I believe I can support Jim by managing the household around this temporary shortage."

Earlier I mentioned that a sense of safety can be facilitated by many different modalities - such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or other means of speaking calm to your body. Let’s move from what’s going on that is threatening the balance our body was designed for to what we can do to facilitate the restoration of homeostasis when we encounter the inevitable upsets of life.

Here are a few means to recreate a sense of safety:

Use Breath and Senses to Anchor Yourself Engage in practices like deep breathing or box breathing. These help regulate the nervous system and bring you back to your body and the moment at hand.
Nurture Your Spiritual Core Feed your inner life through prayer, meditation, or reflection. For example, trusting in God’s love, care, and sovereignty over all time—past, present, and future—can ease the grip of fear and instill peace.
Use the 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique This simple sensory exercise can be helpful in pulling you out of fear loops fast:

Name:

5 things you can see

4 things you can feel

3 things you can hear

2 things you can smell

1 thing you can taste

In the next post, I will further unpack fear loops, distinguishing the different elements that make up these repeatable cycles: fear, worry, stress and anxiety.

Meanwhile, I invite you to practice employing one or more of these tools for restoring the peace for which your body was designed, even in the midst of situations that threaten the calm.

For reflection:

Your body is wired for balance. Reflect on a time when you felt yourself calming down after stress. What helped restore your sense of safety — deep breaths, movement, prayer, or the support of others?

Journaling Prompt:

Describe a time when you shifted from chaos to calm. What signs told you your body was finding balance again?

*My offer of support: If you contact me via ‘chat w/ me’ on Perils & Pearls, I will gift you a thirty-minute coaching session to talk about how you might develop your resilience through the struggle(s) you are currently facing.

*And if you have been stirred to further explore your unique wiring – strengths, passions, challenges - & you would like to experience a strength assessment with a certified life coach, I invite you to contact me.

Blessed to play a part ~