Why Build Such Short Fences?

So, we moved from Ohio, where we were born and raised and raised our 2 kids, to SW Colorado at the end of 2007. Ohio is not known for having fair weather or mild winters, so we were not shocked at the snowstorms here. But, we were amazed at how much warmer 25 degrees can feel when it’s in a dry climate, instead of the humid, damp cold of Ohio.

We had experienced our first downhill skiing in Pennsylvania and New York where we got conditioned by the icy snow conditions we were usually faced with during a weekend skiing trip. Once we called Colorado home, I finally understood what people meant by powder skiing and getting a tan in between runs!

That said, we dove right into the downhill skiing at the local ski resort, just 30 minutes up the mountain from where we live. It’s called Purgatory - haha...Are you sensing another blog on that name?! Purg can get a dump of 2 feet or more of fresh powder in just 48 hours, so when the storm passes, ya grab your gear and head up to where even sizable homes are buried in the white stuff.

Anyway, early on, in our skiing adventures we were told a true story from one of our original Durango friends who happens to be a ski instructor at Purgatory.

Here’s the scene: A young woman from a southern state was riding a Purgatory lift with our friend (I’ll call him Jim). He was politely making small talk with her, and then she dropped this question:

The one thing I don’t get about Colorado is why do you build your fences so short?

From Jim’s account of the incident, he was able to withhold a belly laugh, keep a straight face, and reply to her:

Well, ya see, the fences aren’t really short; it’s that the snow is so high, you only see the tops of the fences.

Now if that isn’t a great lead in, I don’t know what is! Short fences, huh? Hmm...It brings to mind a similar image that became a cliché long ago: the tip of the iceberg.

Now what could short fences and iceberg tips have in common with the Enneagram personality model?

With short fences and icebergs, what you can see on top belies the actual size of them, if you could see below the surface. The distinction of the Enneagram personality model is that it is designed to get you below the surface of your visible behaviors, to explore the motivations that drive your decisions, behaviors, and priorities.

While I was in training for my Enneagram Practitioner certification, one of the many books that came into my path was Deep Coaching by Roxanne Howe-Murphy, Ed.D. It is a textbook-rich resource for integrating the use and power of the Enneagram into a coaching practice.

I am sure to wear out the binding of my paper copy due to referring to it so much; and I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface (pun intended) of all the author has so generously made available to those who dig in.

Roxanne has utilized an iceberg analogy to create a visual model for each Enneagram type.

Above the surface – otherwise known as the tip of the iceberg – are things like our gifts, what we look like when we are at our best, our behaviors (when not stressed), our impact on others, and our focus of attention.

Beneath the surface, we find out our core coping strategy, inner critic message, sense of self, and what we look like when we are stressed – missing the mark (= not acting out our gifts).

Why consider what is above and below the water line or fence line?

Well, if you are actively - or considering – putting energy into the journey of becoming who you were created to be, it requires self-awareness. And that self-awareness starts with an honest look at both the asset side and the challenge or shadow side of the package that is you.

In Enneagram-speak, that is getting your arms around your type structure – the resourceful side as well as the non-resourceful side each type structure contains. In Roxanne’s manual she describes this journey as moving from constriction to expansion. You could just as well label it as the path from disintegration to integration, or false self to true self, or old man/creation to new man/creation (biblically speaking). More specifically, her book is written for coaches who are trained in the Enneagram, and she is offering coaches this visualized process of helping a client move toward the most flexible, softened version of their particular type structure.

I invite you to consider...

Could you build an accurate iceberg model of your way of doing and seeing life, acknowledging both what is above the water (or fence) line and below it? Maybe you would appreciate a professional partner to accomplish this?

If you have a realistic view of what your type structure involves, what is 1 area where you can see the value of moving towards softening or expanding from what your natural bent might be? What aspects of your life might benefit from an exploration of such - relationally, professionally, personally?

Before concluding this post, may I veer off just a tad and share a personal illustration of this concept of fences? As I have said previously, I prayerfully consider a Word for the Year (WFTY) each January, to focus my focus. I can never predict how that chosen Word will show itself in the various domains of my life during the twelve months I am zeroed in on it, looking for the unfolding of its purpose in my journey to become who He created me to be.

In 2018, my WFTY was more of a phrase: No [de-,of-] fenses = No fences.

Let me translate: If I am not defending myself or taking on offenses from others, I will experience life without constriction or limits = freedom.

I could write several posts just sharing what that WFTY journey was like...The short version: Once I was focused on noticing these ‘fenses,’ I saw them pop up almost daily. Staying on this path was not about being comfortable; rather, about being uncomfortable – challenged even – by my ubiquitious reaction of being defensive or offended! Here's a truism that sets a high bar for me:

When we are living out of our true self, we are unoffendable.

Wow...to attempt a change this big brought me quickly to my need for God’s Spirit. And thank God, He has promised us such supernatural requisite help; and also that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. (Phil1:6).

Even as I type this, I can hear His whisper in my ear: No worry, I am not in a hurry, My Beloved ENG.

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part~

g

Has She Had Work Done?

I’m expecting every woman who sees this title to click on this post-ha! Is it that this question represents the zeitgeist of our current culture? Does it have to do with our insatiable curiosity about what others deem as acceptable, or even required, to stay relevant? Or is it our way of verifying that she is cheating at this game of not looking her age?

Hmmm... I don’t know, but what I do know is it is a slippery slope to go down the road of judging others’ choices as it applies to cosmetic changes. Let’s take a step in this direction to see how quickly it becomes quicksand…Have you ever colored your hair? Do you wear make-up? How about wearing nail polish, shaping foundationwear, getting unsightly veins or spots removed? Do you see what I mean about slipping down this slope into quicksand?

How grateful I am that God does not focus on the outward appearance – altered or unaltered. He looks at the heart.

For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. 1Samuel 16:7

And how relieved I am that my God knows my frame is but dust – that even though I have decades of experiencing His acceptance of me as I am, I can still struggle with my outward appearance – not only what I see in the mirror, but how others see me. (Welcome to a core issue for Enneagram Type Three’s: image.) And yet at the same time, I believe my heart is sincere in following, worshipping, and trusting my Creator, Abba Father.

Just as a father loves his children, so the Lord loves those who fear and worship Him [with awe-filled respect and deepest reverence]. For He knows our [mortal] frame; He remembers that we are [merely] dust. Psalm 103:13-14

So, let’s look at my title in a different light – the radiance that is visible when someone has had work done by His Spirit. Have you experienced that kind of change- the outward sign of an inward transformation? Others will notice. Maybe it’s literally the look on your face or the way you talk- or not talk. Maybe it’s a change in your perspective, or the pace in which you do life. If you have experienced God’s molding process, you know the cost of such non-cosmetic surgery.

Many Christ-followers, over the centuries, have written about the sacred place of total surrender, the stripping off of facades, coming to ‘the wall’ in their faith journey. This place has also been called the dark night of the soul. Don’t those descriptions make you want to run to such a place?! Not me!

Well, several years ago, I hit my (spiritual) wall. My heart was shredded – not by someone else per se – but by having the blinders come off and seeing my own brokenness. What seemed like suddenly, my reflection in a mirror showed me a warped image like that of the cubist female portrayal above.

It felt like my dark night would never turn into morning. I could not be consoled. I could not make sense of what was going on – even what was reality versus the stories in my head. I could not find my God. I was as lost as I’d ever been.

Where was my loving Father? How could He let me suffer like this? Where is the way out of this deep dark tunnel? Only the Psalmists understood my despair.

I need to add to this picture: the physical condition facilitating this nightmare I was in caused pain so severe and relentless that at its worst, I did not want to go on living. Even getting a diagnosis took over a decade. Meanwhile, I had to find a way to survive it, and to salvage my faith.

I had read somewhere that pain is (can be) the invitation in. So I decided to follow it inward...but not alone. I had His indwelling Spirit as my companion. It was there I was confronted with my cubist image. I would reexperience so many moments, relationships, situations without any filter coming in from my false self – the ‘expected persona’ I had developed so long ago, that I (thought I) needed to be in order to be loved and accepted. I could see – for the first time – how others experienced me. Wow…can someone hand me those blinders back?!

I became really comfortable with being uncomfortable during this excruciating excursion that lasted longer than four thick journals’ full. I also became really comfortable with repentance. In fact, it might sound weird, but I got to looking forward to this posture. I guess because for those brief moments between confessing and committing to turning away from my sins, and falling back into my human frailty, I feel the full freedom of being unencumbered in my worship and communion with my God.

There is so much more to this story of my dark night... Sigh…but, suffice it to say, if today I more closely resemble the person God created me to be, this downward, inward fall I describe here played a significant role in the façade stripping that had to happen to get to my true self – the one God created me to be, for His glory and my fullness of joy.

When light finally broke through the darkness, needless to say, I was not the same person. I needed a new name: ENG- Emerging New Geri. And so began my ENG journey…

In a future post, I will share how ‘my self-portrait’ changed from this cubist rendition to a image more closely resembling how He sees me. He calls me His BWP…

One of the many positive outcomes of my dismantling (as I have lovingly referred to my dark time), is a closer relationship with empathy and compassion. Specifically, I desire to apply my increased softness to my passion for supporting and encouraging women.

How can I encourage you? How can I reinforce His messages of love and delight over you? How can I reflect back to you the part of His character I see in you?

It’s there, I know, because He created each of us in His image. And He is fully committed to the (lifelong) work of helping us get underneath our false selves to uncover the radiance of who He created us to be. What’s your new name: New Emerging ____?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

My box = Safe or stuck?

Many of you have had some exposure to the personality model of the Enneagram. As a Life Coach for over sixteen years, I have had training in and/or experience with several typographies- such as the Myers-Briggs, The Call, DISC, Strength-finders…all having their unique usefulness in helping a coaching client discover and embrace their wiring.

So, why invest in getting certified as an Enneagram Practitioner? In my experience with personality models, there is no other one that does a deep dive beneath behaviors, exploring the motivations that drive behaviors. So what? you may be asking.

Looking below the ‘what’ to uncover the ‘why’ opens up a new world of possibilities as it pertains to personal growth.

From a Christian perspective, I believe there can be no real change – aka transformation – without the work being grounded in and facilitated by God’s Spirit. To attempt change or growth outside of faith, is really just an application of willpower, which is limited both in longevity and depth.

I have personally found the Enneagram to be a powerful tool in God’s hand for His transformation process: becoming more like who He created me to be, which includes rightly reflecting the part of His character with which He embued me.

Think of the Enneagram's nine Types as nine different boxes or containers; one of which is constructed at a young age for each of us to occupy and get our needs met. (My box makes me feel safe.) Each Enneagram Type identifies a unique way of looking at ourselves, others, and the world around us. On the website of the Narrative Enneagram organization https://www.narrativeenneagram.org - they describe the Enneagram as,

A dynamic personality system that illuminates nine unique and distinct patterns of thinking, feeling, and acting. Our Type determines what we pay attention to and how we direct our energy.

Because our dominant Type is a filter through which we view everything, what comes with that are blind spots – perspectives, problem sources and solutions we cannot see. This singular view also causes us to project our perspective on others, meaning we view our way of looking at something as THE way/the best way to view it; therefore, any other perspective is just someone who needs to get to seeing it our way.

As Richard Rohr has so aptly articulated:

Most people don’t see things the way they ARE; they see things the way THEY are.

You can probably see how broadening our ability to see beyond our perspective, represented in our dominant Type, could have significant positive effects on relationships, right? Well, the work has to start with seeing ourselves as we really are, instead of as we believe ourselves to be and project to others. And that starts with establishing and growing our self-awareness.

As Sheryl Sandberg (former Facebook executive) said: We cannot change what we are not aware of.

Let me get personal…I am a Type Three, which is also called “The Performer/Achiever.” Threes are all about setting and achieving goals, being efficient and good optimizers. Also a part of our Type structure, we are prone to ‘morph’ into whatever shape is needed to gain the present audience’s approval, and even admiration. We believe the lie that to be loved we must perform, achieve, succeed.

So, what can happen when I am in a situation where goals aren’t the goal? Where optimizing isn’t the best goal?

Well, if I am operating out of my Type Three structure, sans awareness, I miss whatever opportunity was there to connect with what was most important – even overlooking how my own values may be at stake in the moment. (I'm stuck in - impeded by- my box, right?)

It wasn’t until I did quite a bit of exploring – and prayer – regarding identifying my false self from my true self (biblically-speaking, ‘old man versus new man’- Eph. 4:22-24), that I could start being consciously aware of when I was making a choice to stay limited to my Type’s perspective, instead of realizing there are many other ways of looking at something – none of them superior or inferior, but perhaps one of them the best, or better perspective for that particular situation.

I believe growth follows awareness surrendered. Only then am I positioned to see what He wants, then want what He wants.

I have dozens of stories I could share about how my awareness surrendered has produced fruit in my life and my ability to really see an ‘other,’ and love better. My Yes to the Enneagram training has been an invaluable element in this part of my journey. And as is always true, God’s timing in bringing it to me was perfect!

Discovering your Enneagram Type can be a starting point, or a step in the journey, of getting to know your true self from your false self; and from there, experiencing the freedom of seeing yourself and others through the true lens of our Creator God.

In future posts, I will share more about the Enneagram as a tool of transformation. If you have questions about it, please send them to me. If you would like a professional partner for exploring your Type, let me know. (I do Enneagram Typing Interviews over Zoom for helping others discover and embrace their wiring.)

Would you consider these questions?...

How did the container you created and occupied in your childhood help/serve you? How is it possibly impeding you in adulthood?

Which relationships in your life could be improved by gaining a greater awareness of how others experience you?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g