How Do Others Experience You & Me?

I can move back into this Geri-quake scene from several years ago in a moment’s recall: I was participating in my life coach cohort group’s monthly call (that has been happening since 2006!) ...The ‘mic’ was mine as I was sharing something deeply personal and very upsetting with two of only a few people I can say I feel safe to do such soul-baring.

This was during my early post-dismantling season when gut-wrenching aha’s were coming like labor pains...I was sharing one of these lightning bolts of enlightenment when my spiritual companions heard me exclaim rhetorically:

All of a sudden, it hit me; Am I just now seeing in myself what others have been seeing in me all along?!

The silence across our phone lines (Yes, this was when some of us still had landlines) was deafening. These two women have been using their voices to encourage and coach me through many seasons of life – the highs and lows – so the absence of the sound of their voices in this particular moment spoke volumes.

As the song lyrics so aptly put it: "Was blind but now I see..."

To make a very long story short (My dismantling could/will fill many blog posts), I was at the beginning of the blinders coming off –

I was starting to see the great chasm between how I thought I was presenting myself and how others were experiencing me. Oh my...!

It was in the next couple of years I dove deep into self-observation, which also led to realizing the power of the Enneagram framework in God’s transformational process, and decided to get trained as an Enneagram Practitioner to add to my life coaching practice.

As it turns out, within the typology model of the Enneagram, the concept of blind spots is irrespective of wiring; in other words, all nine types can have a gap between who they think they are presenting and who others experience them to be. As I learned about what this gap can look like with each type, I was also beginning to grasp the Grand Canyon size of my own illusion. Such a realization can never be fun; but humiliating and shocking when the aha is just coming in your 50’s. (Better late than the never?)

Nevertheless, I can testify to the truth of such a quote:

Sometimes the pain is the invitation in – Author unknown

And, to the hope in such a promise:

...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:6

In case you would like to put your toe into the exploration of how others experience us according to our E type, here are a couple of links to pertinent blog posts, full of great questions and some action steps, from a partnership of Enneagram experts who have successfully brought the power of the Enneagram into the business world for over twenty-five years now. Their company is Transform, Inc. How apropos.

How Well Do You Know Yourself? and The Enneagram and Communication

Here is a concise graphic from Transform, Inc's post (excerpted from The Essential Enneagram) re: communication per type for you to consider where your blind spots might be:

Let me just give you a glimpse of what can be revealed by such a study by sharing what I have realized about my blind spots as a Type 3 (+ Subtype One-on-One). Let’s just start with the image I used at the top of this post - the cliché salesman:

Although I can think I am just oozing excitement over an idea or product I believe in and am sharing it with someone; in reality, I can be coming across as a caricature of a salesman (salesperson) ...Eww!

Taken from David Daniel’s and Virginia Price’s book, The Essential Enneagram, Type 3’s are "direct, topic-focused, fast-paced and confident." And as far as our selling ability, my daughter said to me in her teen years: “Mom, you could sell catsup popsicles to a lady in white gloves!”

And yet, others can experience us as "impatient, unfeeling, overly efficient and restrictive, and overriding of others’ views." Moreover, I can add in from my own experience, we Three’s can give the impression of ‘having it all together’ which can lead to a false perception of having no vulnerabilities, sensitivities, wounds or needs. You can see how this could impede authentic, mutually satisfying relationships - at a minimum.

I hope I have stirred your curiosity regarding how there can be a gap between the image you think you put forth versus how others are experiencing you, no matter the Type with which you resonate. Take a look at the blog post The Enneagram and Communication to discover more about how each of the nine types can be misperceived.

Although it is a journey that will never end, I am determined to stay receptive to uncovering more blinders that need to come off so I can experience more freedom to embody my authentic self, and from that posture, be capable of loving others better.

Might you consider...

How aware are you of your blind spots? Can you name one?

Surveying your past and present, what effects can you see from the gap between how you believe you present yourself versus the feedback from others' experience of you?

What stands in your way of removing the blinders?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the top and bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

A Top-Ten PTS: Sing My Way Through

A few posts ago, I shared an WSJ article about Personal Theme Songs (PTS). I have many; they change according to the season or situation in which I am living. When I created my blogsite - Perils & Pearls - I knew music and its vital role in my journey had to occupy significant space.

This song, Sing My Way Through, by Hope Darst, was an easy choice for the title of my Music Page because in four words it sums up the power of a meaningful musical piece to keep me focused on 'the prize,' enlarge my view of God, and return my fretful thoughts to contemplations of gratitude and trust.

Have you ever felt agitated by a repeating refrain during the worship portion of a church service? How many times are we going to sing this chorus?! I have found myself there on occasion. And I have talked to people who do not appreciate how many contemporary worship songs, as well as classic old hymns, have a refrain that is sung over and over again. Instead of feeling led into a state of worship, they struggle with the annoyance of the repetition. I get that.

But what I have realized about myself is how cluttered my mind is when I am just attempting to make space to focus on God. I have come to the conclusion that I need the repetition to assist me in clearing my head so I can engage in the worship. There is a recent song, sung by Phil Wickham and Chandler Moore (from Maverick City Music), called Worthy of My Song, that begins with these lyrics:

I'm gonna sing 'til my heart starts changing; Oh, I'm gonna worship 'til I mean every word.

Yeah, that says it for me! I've gotta sing it however many times until I am fully engaged - until my mind is empty of outside distractions and I am able to focus on my purpose for being there: to give God my undivided attention and adoration. Hmm...Maybe the songwriters know this; maybe the worship leaders understand this? Ha...

This title song, Sing My Way Through, is a great example of how each repetition of a simple theme can pull me further away from my mind muddle and into a meditation on how and why I can trust Him to bring me through whatever I am facing. Singing it is an declaration of my faith, even when my senses and emotions are not aligned with this trusting perspective.

You've worked it all out, Jesus I'm putting my trust in You You won't go back on Your word

I will sing my way through, all the way to Everything You've said I will sing my way through, all the way to All Your promises I will sing my way through, all the way to Everything You've said I will sing my way through... I will sing my way through, all the way to Everything You've said... I will sing my way through

Oh, I will sing, yes, I will sing All Your promise, on my lips, Jesus Forever, I will sing.

I'm wondering if you have had a similar struggle...

What is your experience during the worship portion of a church service?

How do your clear your head to make space to think about God and His presence in your life?

Is entering into worship easier for you when you are at home or in your car with inspirational music playing?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" OR "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g

The Voices in My Head

I think we can all relate to having various voices in our heads – some with a positive message or perspective, and others that can have an unhelpful effect at best, or a destructive effect at worst. You know, those times when you are weighing out your choices and trying to lean in to the most reliable of those voices to lead you down a wise path without regret.

When I reflect on the decades or seasons of my life, I can come up with a list of what I call Vital Voices for each time period – those significant sources of strength and truth I could rely on to navigate what each season brought.

Vital Voices for me can come from books, podcasts, speakers, mentors, journaling, friends or family members, or my spouse. These inputs become significant because of their timing, as well as their reliable content.

They arrive as real-time answers to questions with which I am dealing. Regardless of the particular source, they have some elements in common – like, can stand the test of truth, which for me, means fits into my biblical perspective of life.

So as a part of sharing my journey through this blog I am adding a category of posts called: Vital Voices, in which I will share some of these significant sources that are markers on my life’s timeline.

Let me start with one Vital Voice that shows up in several seasons of my journey: Oswald Chambers - in particular, his devotional, My Utmost for His Highest. If you are familiar with his writings, you will be shaking your head in agreement right now. He was an early-twentieth-century Scottish Baptist evangelist and teacher whose writings have stood the test of time for millions of Christians over centuries now.

The outside of my well-used, well-worn copy of My Utmost for His Highest

from the 1970's

I could fill a volume with all the journal entries I have had over the course of my faith journey that reference one of his daily devotional writings. Let me share just one of Oswald’s teachings that has proven a timely source of truth and clarity repeatedly for me.

It’s about the inevitability of affecting other people and upsetting their plans when we obey God. How do we reconcile other people being upset or disappointed because of a decision to which we feel God has led us?

We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation...Whereas if we obey God, He will look after those who have been pressed into the consequences of our obedience. We have simply to obey and to leave all consequences to Him. Oswald Chambers

To read the entry in its entirety, click on this link: What My Obedience to God Costs Other People .

One of the repeatable personal applications of this principle during my journey is when I have had a point of growth that demands a change in my behavior, decisions, boundaries...etc.

Haven’t you experienced the wretched-gut response when someone who is used to you reacting in a certain way is reviled that you are now responding differently – perhaps in the opposite of what they have grown accustomed to? This is especially true when your ‘old way’ provided a benefit for them that they are not willing to give up.

A Vital Voice for me during a time when I was grieving over such a situation, came through this statement from one of my instructors during my Enneagram Practitioners certification course:

Sometimes we lose people because they will not allow us to change.

I felt my gut start to untangle as the statement went from my ears to my head to my soul. Sigh....not easy or comfortable; but I have found it is an unavoidable part of respecting myself and trusting God as I endeavor to get closer to who I was created to be.

To Ponder....

What are some of the Vital Voices in your life?

Have you experienced the pain of disappointing others while you were trying to obey something you felt was God-led? What emotions did you experience? How did you regain your peace from the situation?

If you would like to follow me on this adventure, and receive notice whenever I post something new, please subscribe. (It’s simple – at the bottom of every page on the Perils & Pearls blog site. *No need to be a 'member.')

**A word about POSTING COMMENTS: I LV engaging with your feedback/responses to my writings! Let me cut through the tech hassles re: POSTING COMMENTS:

When you click to add a comment, you will get a choice of leaving a comment "AS A MEMBER" or "AS A GUEST."

CLICK THE CHOICE "AS A GUEST" (-even if you are a SUBSCRIBER) & your life will be simpler- ha! And as many have done, feel free to send me a private message using the "Let's Chat" option on the Perils & Pearls Home Page.

And if you know people who would benefit from the support, and/or enjoy the short writings, please share the site or a post with them. Heck, just share it on your social media…Let’s grow it together!

Blessed to play a part ~

g